right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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