you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
