Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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