How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
