i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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