Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize