dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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