Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize