Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
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