Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
