i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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