i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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