My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize