I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
my mouth tastes like poor choices
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
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