I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
