did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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