I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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