the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Brb crying the tears of my youth
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
