The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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