I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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