Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
