I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
