I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
