The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Randomize
