Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
