Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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