I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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