I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
