So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize