I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
