Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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