my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
