I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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