It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
