I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
