Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
