So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you didnt know i had herpes?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
porn star boner night. come get it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
