just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize