OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
