a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
