Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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