How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Randomize
