I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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