Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
