I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
