There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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