We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
