He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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