My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
