Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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