We're facebook friends in real life
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
