No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
