I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
