I think I died a long time ago.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
