get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
