please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize