Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
