I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
