Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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