You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
