Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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